Over the past few weeks we at church have been
looking at the whole area of relationships, conflict resolution, forgiveness
etc in a series called Family Matters.
I have been reflecting on various
aspects of this especially in the realm of conflict resolution and forgiveness.
What I have observed over time is that often conflicts that don’t get
confronted stay unresolved and tend to harden into bitterness, resentment
toward each other and cold wars. The irony is that neither party are clear on
what went wrong not do they know what to do about it. Have you been there?
Conflicts
stay unresolved when stuff gets swept under the carpet and over time everyone
is scaling Mt Evert yet unwilling to face the mountain of unresolve looming
large in the face! What is to be done?
There is
also the view that one must not say anything in ones defense because God will
vindicate you and Jesus’ silence before his accusers is the quoted example to
follow.
I have
thought about this and it raised a few questions in my mind. I believe a lot of
conflict in relationships happen because of assumptions or misunderstandings
and these can be sorted out if we do not take such a stand in any and every situation.
Jesus as I
see Him in the Bible was outspoken when he needed to be, and explained himself
to the disciples who were lacking in understanding at that time.
What does Jesus
say about Conflict? We have two classic passages of scripture quoting our Lord
himself.
Matt5: 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there
remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your
gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come
and offer your gift.25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is
taking you to court.
Matt 18:15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault,
just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16
But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every
matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If
they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to
listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Nowhere in
these two passages do I see room for being silent as the answer to resolving conflict.
In fact, I see the very opposite. Jesus encourages us to go and have a chat and
sort it out whether you are the perpetrator or the victim. The rule of thumb
seems to be that when in doubt, speak up and not shut up.
I think if
we practice this, it will end so many misunderstandings and cold war between
friends and families. I have seen this in my own life. A friend who heard only
a part of a conversation I had had with a common friend drew certain conclusions
that resulted in a standoff in our friendship and sadly for many years. This disturbed
me greatly but I did not know what the matter was, till I applied Matt5.
However, when I learned the reason for the standoff I choose not to say
anything in my defense and applied the “silent as a lamb” principle here. The result
was the situation never changed which only added to my sorrow. Finally I
decided that I needed to speak up and bring clarity to the situation. We
visited these friends of many years and spoke face to face, heart to heart. The
light came on! The assumptions crumbled in the face of clarity and truth and there
was reconciliation in the relationship. What would have happened if I had
continued to stay silent?
When then do
we stay silent as a lamb? Look at the context in which Jesus was silent. It was
in the presence of his enemies that were falsely accusing him with malicious
lies wanting to crucify him. It was not a case of misunderstanding between
friends. This was an evil plot to kill the King of Kings. I believe that when
we are falsely accused like this we need to commit ourselves to our Father in
heaven who will vindicate us. We have experienced
this time and time again. When vicious tongues wag and aim to slander us, our
character and reputation with no intent of finding out the truth or seek
clarification, we need to keep silent and let the Righteous Judge take over. And we have seen God come through for us. If
opportunity presents itself to explain ones actions one must do so in all
humility, grace and wisdom.
But in most
cases I suspect it is a case of applying Matt 5 or Matt 18. So let’s go sort out
those misunderstandings. Sometimes the other party does not have the moral
courage or the fortitude to face the situation. In those cases we are called to
forgive unilaterally and let by gone s be by gone s and continue to express
love to that person as Jesus would have us do. We are to trust God to grant us
grace for such a situation.
I have realized
that life is not made up of nice neat boxes all well stacked and labeled. We cannot
dot every “I” and cross every “t”. We have to move on throwing aside everything
that hinders and run the beautiful race in life that Jesus has marked out for
us.
I end my reflections
and rest my case knowing I rest in the shadow of the Almighty, my ultimate defense
and deliverer.
Navaz D Cruz
August 2013
