The Offense of taking Offense

Walking on eggshells, tip toeing around someone, wearing kid gloves and scared to say something that can be misunderstood, measuring each word before you speak and each action before you do. How many of us have been in such situations with different people?  

How many of us have been this person? I was recently reminded of this and then someone spoke about the very same thing. It’s the offence of taking offence. I don’t know about you, but I have been on both sides of the fence.

I have been reflecting this in my own life and my life experiences. Here are some thoughts and observations.

What is it that causes us to take offence? What should I do when offense is given? Why do I take offense?

At the risk of sounding over simplistic I’m going to say it – PRIDE

The bible reminds me often, not to think too highly of myself. ( Romans 12:3) I ought to on the contrary  have a sober judgment or assessment of who I am and what kind of person I am in relation with others. I need to be humble and not expect everyone to treat me like the “Queen of Sheeba”.

What should my view of other be? Well the Bible tells me in no uncertain terms to “think of others better than yourself” ( Phil2:3) I should give others the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to conclusions about their motives , thoughts and behavior. Love always hopes, always protects, and always trusts. ( 1Cor 13:7) This ought to be my posture with everyone.

One might argue that this could lead to false modesty. I don’t think the Bible is suggesting that in any way. I could be a better tennis player than my friend; however she could be good at something else so I can appreciate that in her.

What about this offense thing? It’s basically putting a very high standard and having a high expectation from everyone else’s behavior, speech. It’s expecting others to be perfect while letting yourself off the hook on the same issues.

The Bible talks about picking dust from one’s brother’s eye while we have a huge tree bark jutting out of our own. Another word for this is hypocrisy or a pharisaical spirit. When we behave like this we expect everyone to treat us with kid gloves.

What is the result of such behavior? Here are some of my observations :

• ·       Often these people are blind to their own faults while expecting everyone else to toe their line.
• ·       They are slow to forgive and harbor unforgiveness for a long time. They like licking wounds, imagined or real
• ·       They are not open to any feedback themselves , so when it  given offence is immediately taken at how one spoke, when one spoke, what tone of voice etc., etc. rather than the issue at hand.
• ·       They are fault finders with everyone.
• ·       When they take offence they often retreat or go cold on the friendship and are not interested in dialogue or reconciliation.
• ·       The end result is because of this negative behavior pattern, people begin to avoid them and they feel rejected
• ·       They are unable to discern who are their true friends, hence never form deep relationships because whenever there are true friendships there will be honest open talk which they cannot face.
• ·       They can be controlling people because they want things to always go their way and have everyone toe their line
• ·       Any criticism is taken as being against them personally and seeing as rejecting them personally
• ·       Often time expectations are not voiced but they expect you to know and read their minds and when you don’t, offence is taken.
• ·       In a church setting which is so much a part of my life I have seen this behavior pattern as very dangerous and detrimental to the unity and harmony in the church family. More so our prime enemy has a field day sowing thoughts of discord in our minds and before we know it we’ve got an issue with almost everyone or a lot of people and the poor souls are blissfully unaware of the offence they are supposed to have caused!! How silly is that?

What is the remedy?

• It is simple but not simplicistic. 
• It takes a battle of the mind not to fall into that terrible trap. 
• It takes courage to speak up and clear doubts. 
• It takes humility to hear what the other person has to say and receive it well. 
• It takes strength of character to have a sober judgment of oneself.
• It takes much grace and oodles of love and self sacrifice to appreciate others, to give them the benefit of the doubt, to let go petty issues. 
• It takes fortitude to forgive even when one has been offended.
•  It takes determination not to take offence even when it is given. WOW!!! How do I know this? Been there, done that.

But this looks like a list for a super heroes or something. Yes if tried in one’s own strength.

Thank God I don’t have to! The Bible tells me that Jesus was tempted in every way thereof is able to sympathize with my weakness.( Heb 4:5) When I am tempted to sin He does provide me with a way out- an escape route and will not allow me to be tempted more than I can handle.(1Cor 10:13)

I need to remind myself that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and that when I am feeling weak, His power is perfected in me and then I am strengthened.

I can win and lick this problem. I have a choice – to be offended or not. I also have a responsibility not to cause offense – that my speech is gentle and seasoned with salt, my behavior is loving and kind at all times and I will be quick to forgive and not harbor ill in my heart. My prayer is that I would be a channel of peace.

 Confession: I at times have not reacted in the best way when offended and have taken offense when there has been no need to. I too am learning not to react but initiate reconciliation and restoration and give the other party the benefit of the doubt. It’s not easy but when it’s done, it’s greatly rewarding. You win a friend back that you could have perhaps lost forever. Life is short. Let’s keep short accounts and be on the offensive about this offensive habit of taking offense!

Here is an old hymn I end my reflection with

Make me a channel of your peace.

Where there is hatred let me bring your love.

Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord

And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Chorus:

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek

So much to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace

Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope

Where there is darkness, only light

And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Make me a channel of your peace

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned

In giving to all men that we receive

And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

( Author: St Francis)

Navaz D Cruz

Sept 2013

A case to defend

Over  the past few weeks we at church have been looking at the whole area of relationships, conflict resolution, forgiveness etc in a series called Family Matters.

 I have been reflecting on various aspects of this especially in the realm of conflict resolution and forgiveness. 

What I have observed over time is that often conflicts that don’t get confronted stay unresolved and tend to harden into bitterness, resentment toward each other and cold wars. The irony is that neither party are clear on what went wrong not do they know what to do about it. Have you been there?

Conflicts stay unresolved when stuff gets swept under the carpet and over time everyone is scaling Mt Evert yet unwilling to face the mountain of unresolve looming large in the face! What is to be done?

There is also the view that one must not say anything in ones defense because God will vindicate you and Jesus’ silence before his accusers is the quoted example to follow.

I have thought about this and it raised a few questions in my mind. I believe a lot of conflict in relationships happen because of assumptions or misunderstandings and these can be sorted out if we do not take such a stand  in any and every situation.

Jesus as I see Him in the Bible was outspoken when he needed to be, and explained himself to the disciples who were lacking in understanding at that time.

What does Jesus say about Conflict? We have two classic passages of scripture quoting our Lord himself.

Matt5: 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court.

Matt 18:15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

Nowhere in these two passages do I see room for being silent as the answer to resolving conflict. In fact, I see the very opposite. Jesus encourages us to go and have a chat and sort it out whether you are the perpetrator or the victim. The rule of thumb seems to be that when in doubt, speak up and not shut up.

I think if we practice this, it will end so many misunderstandings and cold war between friends and families. I have seen this in my own life. A friend who heard only a part of a conversation I had had with a common friend drew certain conclusions that resulted in a standoff in our friendship and sadly for many years. This disturbed me greatly but I did not know what the matter was, till I applied Matt5. However, when I learned the reason for the standoff I choose not to say anything in my defense and applied the “silent as a lamb” principle here. The result was the situation never changed which only added to my sorrow. Finally I decided that I needed to speak up and bring clarity to the situation. We visited these friends of many years and spoke face to face, heart to heart. The light came on! The assumptions crumbled in the face of clarity and truth and there was reconciliation in the relationship. What would have happened if I had continued to stay silent?

When then do we stay silent as a lamb? Look at the context in which Jesus was silent. It was in the presence of his enemies that were falsely accusing him with malicious lies wanting to crucify him. It was not a case of misunderstanding between friends. This was an evil plot to kill the King of Kings. I believe that when we are falsely accused like this we need to commit ourselves to our Father in heaven who will vindicate us.  We have experienced this time and time again. When vicious tongues wag and aim to slander us, our character and reputation with no intent of finding out the truth or seek clarification, we need to keep silent and let the Righteous Judge take over.  And we have seen God come through for us. If opportunity presents itself to explain ones actions one must do so in all humility, grace and wisdom.

But in most cases I suspect it is a case of applying Matt 5 or Matt 18. So let’s go sort out those misunderstandings. Sometimes the other party does not have the moral courage or the fortitude to face the situation. In those cases we are called to forgive unilaterally and let by gone s be by gone s and continue to express love to that person as Jesus would have us do. We are to trust God to grant us grace for such a situation.

I have realized that life is not made up of nice neat boxes all well stacked and labeled. We cannot dot every “I” and cross every “t”. We have to move on throwing aside everything that hinders and run the beautiful race in life that Jesus has marked out for us.

I end my reflections and rest my case knowing I rest in the shadow of the Almighty, my ultimate defense and deliverer.

Navaz D Cruz

August 2013